wow,
i turn 30 in ten days, i love a guy in melbourne, a guy in geelong wants me to be 'the one' for him and now theres the guy in my home town who's fascinating me
Is it okay to do this? I'm wrestling with my sense of guilt wondering if i'm doing anything wrong. kinda feels like the age old dilemma of when it rains it pours...one minute i'm having a drought and the next.....
life's weird, gotta love it
i think maybe i overreacted,
i dont think i'm a complete idiot today, just an emotional ball of over reaction.
we've been emailing back and forth today, he's pretty stressed with stuff and i think i just need to take a chill pill too.
glad we're friendslove him lots...maybe one day.... but meanwhile
anyways..have lots of driving to do in the morn
maybe I'm just a girl, maybe its just normal to want to be with someone. i just need to switch off for awhile,
but he can be so nice, but is it real, he's not straightforward, how can you trust that? you need honesty before you can have anything real or lasting, and he has proven over again that he cant be straightforward, he knows how i feel and shows little regard for that. i just keep getting caught remembering moments when he did show tenderness and compassion. i want to see him and spend time with him and not feel hurt, how do i do that? i cant stop myself from fantasising that maybe he could love me in return one day...bloody pathetic...
how do i stop being me? that seems the only way i'm going to stop myself from getting into these pathetic situations
its like he wants to hurt me, i would be happy just cruising along, seeing him when i do, talking from time to time etc then he goes and does something that seems designed purely to hurt, whats with that?
he doesnt make sense, wish someone could make sense of it for me.
just read through everything, god i am an idiot aren't i?
the weird lookin guy isn't born again boy, they're too seperate blips on my radar, ow do i find them really its a mystery to me.
I'm trying to understand what my deal is with this guy (and it feels good to vent) I got to know him better when he was sharing a house with my ex, i'd be over there to pick up or drop of the kids and i got to know him, loved spending time hanging out and talking with him, we fucked, things were a little weird and then settled again, i didnt know how i felt at that point but a little later i figured it out, i told him, BIG MISTAKE, it all just got stranger from there.
Before the sex, we spent a drunken night together in each others arms, (no sex, no kissing) and he told me he feared intimacy, warned me he was nasty, why didnt i listen.
we didnt see each other for awhile, then when we did we fucked, why did i let my guard down? why kid myself that we could be friends. I cant handle this situation, i should walk away, but it doesnt feel right to, but where does that leave my self respect?
I hate the fact that it seems i actually really, really love this guy. I can imagine spending forever with him.
when he isnt being odd.
I hate him sooo much, it hurts. i feel like a complete fool. My biggest problem is not knowing whether he is a prick cos he's a prick or cos he's an emotionally repressed shit. He keeps reeling me in when i least expect it and then i get burnt, and its all my own fault really cos he makes no promises and i know what he does, just never know when the sting is gonna happen.
I have been able to rid myself of some of the dodgiest idiots in my life and yet i can't end how i feel about this guy.
I wake up thinking about spending time with him, he's in my thoughts randomly throughout my day and i think of him as i'm going to sleep at night. And it feels really nice. Not needy etc, just right.
When something upsets or scares me its him i want to turn to, its him i want to share moments with. I WANT IT TO STOP, icant handle him playing with me like this and i hate my seeming inability to walk completely away.
And the sex...i love the sex, he leaves me feeling like i've just been with angels, absolute heaven, you'd think maybe that is what is holding me there, but three times in as many years aint goona tie me down. there's more to it than that.
I must just be a complete idiot.
Even now i wish that he just wanted me too, as if, how bloody pathetic.
Hmmmm.... Nothing to motivate more than realising you have $100.00 to your name, three kids to support and you're not getting any further income for another two weeks.
Made the mistake of changing jobs this year, thought it was a step up careerwise, little did i know how hard it was going to be to get paid, even harder to do anything about it cos on paper i looked like they were paying me on time. Now i find mysel, kicking myself for putting up with their shit, kicking myself for not just walking away months ago and finding something more stable
oh well, life goes on, trying to remain chilled whilst running around like a headless chook searching for more work, not a good time for job numting round these parts, no one does anything for most of January, it'll al be fine though, i've decided it has to be and in the grand scheme of things i could be a whole lot worse off!!!!
Caught up with an old flame, thought i was on a roll, turned out he liked me too, even better.
We spend a couple of weekends hanging out together, all going well, couple of weeks before christmas he comes over for the weekend, we grab a few beers, have a nice meal, decide to have a fire and chill out.
My daughter brings up the topic of reincarnation, (she was worried about a slug frying in the fire
and then comes the bombshell, only i didn't see it as that initially. Born again Boy states that according to his beliefs reincarnation doesnt exist, you either go to heaven or hell. Turns out he's christian, nothing unusual about that.
The evening progresses, not only is he christian, but totally born again, he discovered god in February, claims to believe the bible word for word, dinosaurs didnt exist etc... Now i don't have a problem with any of that, but imagine my shock when he proceeds to inform me that he is unsure about continuing to see me as he's worried about going to hell over it, then he informs me that he was devastated when he heard through mutual friends that i was a practicing witch, he is utterly convinced that i am doing the work of the devil!!!!! Puhleeses!!!!!You can imagine the conversation
Cut to a short while later, we are either side of the fire (i live in the country) I am stood one side, he sat the other. Something is said about the beautiful scenery, i raise my arms up and say 'this is my church' and lo and behold, a big gust of wind comes flyin down the hill from behind me and sweeps past us and is gone, couldnt have timed it better if i'd tried. Born again boy freaks out and asks if i did that, i just laughed and asked him if he had any real idea about my beliefs.
I am still stunned by the whole scenario, he has since gone home, keeps txting me, wants to know if we can continue to see each other, yet is offering me absolutely nothing. WHy would he want to continue seeing soemone like me ? I thought i knew this person, we agreed to be open and honest with each other, and he wasn't. Am i overreacting?
Do i say a clear goodbye? try to be friends? or run away and hide
Hmm...One fine day in the middle of the night, two dead men got up to fight....contradictions... how to reconcile the differences? If only i knew.
What a bizarre way to spend a day, exchange a few gifts, eat a big meal and lay around for the rest of the day fiddling with your new gifts or wishing it wasn't christmas so you could just clear off without being deemed 'rude'.
Maybe I'm just in a mood, i usually enjoy christmas, but maybe thats cos i've never bothered to step outside it and look at how shallow its become.
And the year ahead? well i know i have alot of very tough decisions in front of me right now, and i have no idea where to start, how to figure out what is right. I am sick of having to make so many decisions on my own, yet i'd be the last person on the planet to hand over my autonomy. If in fatc i have it in the first place
Is it possible to actually form a mutually supportive relationship with another human that doesn't degenerate into a co-dependent mess?
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